YOUR FAWN RESPONSE IS WHY PEOPLE DON'T TRUST YOU

The hidden cost of saying yes when you mean no

By Bethany Russell, MA, LPC

I'm going to tell you something that might sting a little.

If you're someone who says yes when you mean no, who agrees to keep the peace, who shape-shifts depending on who you're with—people can sense it. And on some level, they don't trust you.

Not because you're a bad person. But because they can feel that you're not being real with them.

Your fawn response—that automatic tendency to please, accommodate, and avoid conflict—might be keeping you safe, but it's also keeping people at arm's length.

WHAT THE FAWN RESPONSE ACTUALLY IS

Fight, flight, freeze... and fawn. The fourth trauma response that nobody talks about.

When your nervous system perceives threat, fawning means making yourself smaller, more agreeable, less threatening. You become whatever you think the other person wants you to be.

You laugh at jokes that aren't funny. You agree with opinions you don't share. You say "I'm fine" when you're definitely not fine. You apologize for things that aren't your fault.

This response probably saved you at some point. Maybe keeping the peace meant staying safe. Maybe being agreeable meant avoiding rejection or criticism.

But here's what's happening now: people can feel the disconnect. They sense something's off, even if they can't name it.

WHY THIS AFFECTS TRUST

Think about someone in your life who always agrees with you. Who never has strong opinions. Who seems to shift their personality depending on the group.

How do you feel about that person? Probably... uncertain. Like you don't really know them.

When you're constantly fawning, people pick up on the incongruence. Your words say one thing, but your energy says another. They can sense you're holding something back, editing yourself, not being fully present.

And when people can't see the real you, they can't fully trust you.

THE PEOPLE-PLEASER'S PARADOX

Here's the thing that'll really mess with your head: the very behavior you use to try to maintain relationships is actually preventing deep connection.

You think that if you just keep everyone happy, they'll want to keep you around. But what ends up happening is that people feel like they're in relationship with a performance, not a person.

They might like you fine. But they don't feel like they really know you. And it's hard to deeply trust someone you don't feel like you really know.

Meanwhile, you're exhausted from constantly monitoring everyone else's needs and reactions. You've lost touch with what you actually think, feel, and want.

WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING

Your fawn response isn't just people-pleasing. It's a part of you that learned early that your authentic self wasn't safe to show.

Maybe your feelings were too much. Maybe your needs were inconvenient. Maybe love felt conditional on being easy, agreeable, low-maintenance.

So this part stepped in to keep you safe by making you palatable.

But now you're stuck. You want deeper connections, but you can't figure out why people don't seem to fully trust you. You want to feel authentic, but you've been performing for so long you're not sure what authentic even looks like anymore.

A DIFFERENT WAY

In IFS therapy, we don't try to shame your fawning part. We get curious about what it's protecting you from.

What is this part afraid will happen if you show up authentically? What did it learn about the consequences of having needs, opinions, or boundaries?

When your fawning part feels understood instead of criticized, it can start to relax. You begin to notice when it's activated—when you're about to agree to something you don't want to do, or when you catch yourself shifting your personality to match the room.

And slowly, you start to experiment with being real.

WHAT CHANGES

My clients who work with their fawning parts don't become selfish or difficult. They become more genuine.

They start expressing their actual opinions. They set boundaries that feel natural instead of forced. They stop apologizing for existing.

And here's what surprises them: people respond better. Relationships get deeper. Trust increases.

Turns out, people would rather deal with your authentic no than your resentful yes.

IF THIS IS HITTING HOME

If you're reading this and thinking "oh shit, this is me," first of all, you're not alone. And you're not manipulative or fake—you're just protecting yourself the way you learned how.

Your fawning part developed for good reasons. It was trying to keep you safe, maintain connections, avoid conflict or rejection.

But you don't have to keep performing to be loved.

Try noticing: When do you feel yourself switching into fawn mode? What's the trigger? Is it certain people, situations, or types of conflict?

Start small. Maybe it's just noticing without changing anything. Maybe it's expressing one small authentic opinion in a safe relationship.

Your fawning part needs to learn that people can handle the real you. But it's going to need evidence, not just reassurance. And that evidence builds one authentic moment at a time.

The goal isn't to never consider other people's feelings. It's to respond from choice instead of compulsion, from your authentic Self instead of your survival programming.

Real trust comes from real connection. And real connection requires real you.