5 Things I’ve Learned From Working With “The Other Woman”
In the Grey Series · Pt. 1
(the woman everyone loves to hate)
In the therapy & coaching space, I’ve sat with countless women who were “the other woman.”
Married women who found themselves in affairs.
Single women with married men (or women).
And what I’ve learned is this: affairs don’t live in black + white.
They live in the gray.
They hold contradictions, paradoxes, and deeply human stories that most of us would rather not look at.
But when we do, what surfaces are truths about love, longing, pain, and sovereignty that can reshape the way we understand relationships.
1. Nuance is everything.
Life and love are rarely black + white. Most of us want it to be simple: “cheating = bad, end of story.” But real relationships live in the gray, where people’s needs, wounds, and desires intersect in messy, deeply human ways.
This doesn’t mean affairs don’t hurt. They do. But it does mean that reducing them to one-dimensional labels misses the complexity of what actually happens in the human heart. When I sit with the “other woman,” what I hear are not stories of villains, but of women navigating longing, loneliness, desire, and disconnection, as well as aliveness, play, freedom, and rediscovered vitality. Sometimes what surfaces in these spaces is not just pain, but a reminder of parts of themselves they thought were long gone.
2. Sometimes the affair actually kept her marriage together.
I’ve seen women wake up through the affair, show up more fully at home, and in a strange way… protect their family unit.
The affair can become a mirror, reflecting back what has been suppressed for years.
A part of her that felt invisible or unloved finally found expression.
That awakening can sometimes shift the way she relates at home, allowing her to be more present and engaged.
It can also highlight what she values most, paradoxically deepening her commitment to her family and partnership.
3. Affairs are rarely about just sex.
They’re often about unmet needs, unspoken longings, suppressed parts, or someone’s nervous system searching for relief when they didn’t feel like they could get it elsewhere.
From a trauma-informed lens, an affair can be about self-regulation. A nervous system that feels trapped or shut down at home may find temporary relief in a new connection.
Or it may be about parts of self that were exiled — the playful one, the sensual one, the adventurous one — finding oxygen again.
In these moments, the affair isn’t always about the lover themselves, but about what they awaken within her.
Sometimes this awakening stirs creativity, confidence, or a sense of possibility she hadn’t touched in years.
And sometimes, that relationship became an expander, showing her elements of love, care, and connection she hadn’t believed were possible.
4. These dynamics often reveal hidden truths.
Working with her, I’ve seen how the affair illuminates what was unspoken: unmet needs, patterns of avoidance, or parts of her that never had space to breathe. Sometimes, it even reenacts the old wound of not being fully chosen, a pattern she knows too well.
Many affairs are less about escape and more about repetition.
They replay old attachment wounds in vivid, high-stakes ways. And while that can be painful, it can also be illuminating.
Seeing the pattern clearly, maybe for the first time, can open the door to deep healing, if someone is willing to face it.
5. The affair doesn’t erase the love at home.
Many still deeply love their partner and family. The affair was usually about an unexpressed part, not the absence of love.
This one surprises people the most. We assume infidelity means there was no love left. But again and again, I’ve seen women who truly love their spouse and family, who would never want to leave them, and yet they found themselves in an affair.
Love and betrayal can coexist.
Devotion and secrecy can coexist.
Human beings are that complex.
Naming that truth — that the affair wasn’t proof of absent love — can soften the shame and open the door to clarity, either within the marriage or within herself.
🖤 This is just a glimpse of what I’ve seen. But I know there are countless untold stories that live in the grey. If you’ve been inside an affair — as the one partnered, or as “the other” — I invite you to share your story anonymously.
The Messy Middle
What I’ve seen again and again is that affairs carry nuance most people never talk about.
They’re messy.
They’re layered.
They change everyone involved.
And the truth is: no one walks away the same.
The betrayed partner grieves trust, and sometimes discovers strength and clarity they didn’t know they had.
The one inside the marriage grieves integrity; at the same time, they may awaken to hidden parts of themselves that longed for air.
The “other woman” grieves a love she could never fully hold: yet she may also taste freedom, vitality, or connection she hadn’t known was possible.
And yet, within these griefs is the possibility of new clarity. Affairs push us to confront our choices, our patterns, and our sovereignty.
They demand that hidden truths come into the light.
Why I’m Sharing This
Note: This isn’t about condoning, romanticizing, or condemning affairs. It’s about naming the nuanced and messy truths I’ve witnessed again and again.
I know the heart-stabbing pain and confusion of betrayal, too. If this stirred something in you, your response makes sense — and I hold space for your parts as well. 🖤
By sharing this, my hope is to bring nuance to the conversation. Because when we stop casting villains and start seeing humans, there’s room for growth, clarity, and sometimes, even healing.
Share your story anonymously here.
If this stirred something personal for you, and you’d like support untangling your own story, I offer 1:1 work that holds exactly these kinds of complexities. Learn more here. Or go straight to scheduling a free consultation.
Bethany Russell is a licensed therapist (CO, CA, TX) and coach specializing in trauma therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts work, and her signature Self Sovereign Methodology™. She works with entrepreneurs, spiritually gifted, and LGBTQ+ clients who are ready to reclaim their sovereignty, step into clarity, and live fully aligned lives.
Through her writing and work, Bethany explores the messy, nuanced truths of being human — the parts of our stories that rarely fit into black and white boxes.
Reflection Questions to Sit With
If reading this stirred something in you, pause for a moment. Take a breath. Notice what parts of you feel activated. Then, consider exploring these questions:
When I think about affairs, what assumptions or stories immediately come up for me?
Where in my own life do I long for more aliveness, freedom, or care — and how do I give (or deny) that to myself?
Have I ever felt the pain of “not being chosen”? How does that shape the way I show up in relationships?
What does loyalty mean to me? And is there space in my definition for complexity?
What parts of me — playful, sensual, creative, rebellious — haven’t had much oxygen lately?
These questions aren’t about judgment, but about awareness. The point isn’t to arrive at “right” answers, but to notice what feels tender, what feels true, and what longs to be heard.
✨ This piece is part of my new series, In the Grey — where I explore the messy, layered truths that don’t fit neatly into black + white boxes.
Do you have a story that lives in the grey?
I’m collecting anonymous reflections from people who have been inside affairs — the ones we rarely hear. Your words may become part of the ongoing In the Grey series, giving others the permission to feel less alone.
Click here to share yours.
If you want to keep following along:
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Or share this piece with someone who also lives in the gray and would feel seen here.
🖤 With love,
-B